I feel like I’ve been MIA, lately. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write, I keep making mental notes of things that I want to share. I’ve found myself stressing out about my work-load, between thesis writing, and picking up new hobbies, I started to get the disturbing sense that I’m over committing myself. It took me a couple of weeks, but I decided to take blog writing off of my plate for the week to get caught up on other things. Blogs are supposed to be a welcome release of stress and emotion, but sometimes, the overachieving, people pleaser in me felt obligated to write. I shouldn’t feel obligated. I should be looking forward to writing down and sharing my thoughts.
My area was hit with an ice storm. Now, this may seem insignificant, except that my city shuts down when there’s an ice storm. I’ve been going a bit stir crazy, and was in a bit of a weird mood due to the weather. I was actually excited to come into work today and be able to have a face interaction with human beings. Not that I don’t enjoy being alone and just having to deal with my four-legged friends, I do need that human connection at times.
Now, let me get into some back story. I’ve always been one of those people that “hates people”. Okay, maybe not always. And, maybe hate is a strong word. But, since my 20s, I’ve developed pretty much sheer disdain for any individual. Aside from my friends and family, which I only occasionally feel sensations of disdain for, I just really dreaded having to talk to or interact with people. I guess my unhealthy lifestyle was making me intolerant to the general public. Though, I don’t want to put all of the blame on my lifestyle, because, let’s face it, the general public can be pretty stupid.
Previously, in my efforts to reduce the negativity in my life, I would practice yoga and force myself to see the divine in every human being. Now, sometimes I was successful, but most times I just ended up letting my inner self give the other’s inner divine a visualized flip of the middle finger. Since I’ve made the change to become healthier, I’ve discovered a more social, patient, understanding, genuinely kind inner self. One that I’m beginning to see as truly divine.
These new feelings are VERY strong and can be overwhelming and difficult to work through. Almost like a flood of emotions at once. It’s difficult to describe, but it’s almost as if I’m pulling from the other person’s emotions and feeling them all at the same time. Excitement, nervousness, deep understanding of the individual. This is usually followed with a sense of mutual understanding, similar to being in on an inside joke with a close friend. I know what most of you are thinking, this lady is off her rocker. Now, I don’t think I’m empathic or psychic or any of that specialness. It’s like the book The Celestine Prophecy (if you haven’t read it, I highly suggest it), this is the closest comparison that I can come to minus the Peruvian setting and topping the best sellers list. These feelings have never been negative or malicious. Scary, sure, but only due to the overwhelming nature of the emotion flooding through me. A lot of this might be built up energy from the years of isolation, and social outcasting I’ve placed on myself.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve found myself being more social, putting myself in social situations that I never would have before. For instance, I’m running a 5k every month this year and I ran my February 5k on Saturday with a total running buddy that I met in an online group. And it turns out, this experience was one of the best, most fun experiences I can remember having. I was in the moment, genuinely enjoying another human being’s company, blocking out any other cares in the world. Normally, I would have been too concerned with “I’m not good enough of a runner to be included in this crowd. Do I look funny when I run? What if this person doesn’t like me?” None of this even popped into my mind. It was just two people, who can relate to each other, enjoying a shared hobby. And not to mention that I met a very kind hearted, genuine individual with some sage advice, mad running skills, and the most enjoyable company. I look forward to catching up on these types of missed connections that I replaced with saccharine coated relationships, forced enjoyment. Man, we shoulda taken a selfie! I did get a shot of myself with my participation medal. Enjoy!